Tonight's The Night

Raise a glass to Brydon Graham. He wrote Tonight's The Night. It has a beginning, middle and end and is beautifully constructed, well acted and very funny. If you find girls scary, it will give you nightmares. If you haven't a clue about sex, DON'T DO THIS AT HOME.

Mary (Catherine Murray) is beautiful in a Goth, weirdo, bat-eating kind of way. She's a faux suicide, which means she wants to do it, but can't. Closet gays have the same problem.

Paul (Graeme Rooney) is being given advice about what to do on a date from his been-there-done-that pal Troy (Peter Milne), who is all mouth and no trousers. Control is the key, he says. C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

Paul doesn't understand the meaning of the word, he's so shy and inexperienced. Troy gives him a condom and a couple of Viagras and tells him to take (yes!) control.

Mary has her room prepared, with candles and low lights. When Paul turns up, nervous as a puppy, she virtually eats him raw. She wants to be hurt, she wants to be hit, she wants him to...

Paul is so out of his depth, he would run if his legs worked. The only thing that saves him is the Viagra. And then she brings out the rope.

Director Catriona Craig has done a terrific job. She's destroyed the libido of an entire generation of teenage boys